| (no subject) |
[Oct. 27th, 2006|07:22 pm] |
worst day of the year/ever?
yeah pretty much. |
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| i really dont like it when you fry. |
[Oct. 20th, 2006|11:06 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  disappointed | ] |
not that it matters
or anyone cares, or will read this...
but i write this for myself now a days anysways, and i guess thats ok.
but i really hate that i just spent like half an hour on the phone with Lexi, trevor's GF, when Matt was there, and i should have been talking to him....he should have been talking to me...
i know he loves me...and i love him more then anything
but it seems like right now when i need him most...hes just off partieing with his friends...and i know that if it werent for this i would totaly be there with him partieing it up too.
but this does exist
and im not ok
and i miss him
and i miss trevor
and i miss lexi, and alyssa and tyler and every one..soo many people
and i cant see them/...and its a friday night and im not even aloud to go get myself candy to fucking comfert this instability.
i hung up 10 minutes ago..i doubt any of them have noticed...
but listening just made me want to cry...wish i was there with them...wish they would come overe here and i could sneek out and just get a hug...i really need a fucking hug right now...but theres no one here..my dads asleep in his warm bed with the women he now loves.
and im here, alone, in the cold living room..where i will be for the next two days, and then ill go to school, and come back and do the same thing, with nothing to look forward to at the end of the day but cold sheets and empty arms.
Friday is saposed to be the day i come home and get my nija turtles back pack out, and i put three changes of clotehs inthere, and i put PJs and my makeup and toothbrush in there...and my camra..and then i put it in the car and i drive down bell road, stoping at AMF bowling aly on the way picking up matt, and then to t revors, up three flights of stairs and then turning that gold door knob..to reviel a smiling Trevor...to reveal a place that feels like home...
but no, i cant even go to walgreens..
not for the vairly least one more week..
9 days till my Birthday
and alls i want to do is be with Matt..and i cant...and im losing my mind..and hes fucking frying and doesnt care because he only cares about trying to find a damn new pincone right now...nothing matters right now but what is right infront of his eyes.
17 minutes ago i hung out...i doubt they have noticed...they probably still have the fucking phone sitting opend....forgoten...unimportants.
i love them
but most of all i love him
and i hate that im capable of hating him when hes in any state
but i really dont like it when he frys....i really...really dont like it... |
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| can you honistly take the person someone Loves away from them and still sleep at night? |
[Oct. 19th, 2006|07:21 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sain | ] |
in every moment,
we are living and dieing in unison.
liveing and dieing are the same consept..the same thing, the same thought...they are one.
why should we be punished for anything...would you punish a man or women on there deth bed? no.
we learn from the expieriance...not for the rediculouse consiquence society tells our parents the experiance should have.
im sick of feeling like the death is in a higher ratio then the life...
im going to tell my parents this..and then maybe ill shave my head..and then..maybe then...i'll take a new leap into the living breathing dieing world...and find home againg...
i can only pray.
pray to a falsafied god, riden with the "morals" of our governmental society...our..."land of the free".
free to be locked in this prisson of chicken wire,cotton candie like insolation, and stucko....what kind of freedome is that? are we not all born equil? if we where, then why do those rights not aply untill we are 18, or 21?
oh ...how you make so much sence world... |
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| i imagin freedome tastes alot like acid cookies would... |
[Oct. 19th, 2006|07:19 pm] |
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the tast of freedome wasnt enough, i wanted more.
and now im fucked.
good by my loves. i wont be seeing any of you any time soon.
the only controle i have in my life right now is rather or not i eat...and my mother is going to have to bribe me for that. i fucked up. and i didnt even do anything bad.
i fucking ditched school, for the second time EVER.
and now life is over...
and you think im kiding and you thin im over reacting.
but im not. my mom said herself that i saw my freedome, and now i better tell it goodbye.
im not alowd to drive anywhere but to and from school.
im not alowed to go to Trevor's.
im not alowed to go to mesa and see casey or Tyler, or austin or alex or anyone.
im not alowed to do anything; or see fucking anyone.
not even Matt, unless its with my mother there. wich is so fucking retarded.
but the worst relisation of them all has been...no more nights currled up with my Love, no more weekends of warm sleep all wraped up and feeling like i finaly found some place that feels safe and like "home" to tide me over threw the week.
no more feeling safe.
no more smiles when i go to sleep because i know im one more day closer to the weekend, and one more day closer to being in a place where i feel wanted.
just nights of being fucking cold....im so scared of being alone.
im afraid im going to hypervenalate from fucking crying and i feel pathetic as hell.
i dont plan on getting ready for school anymore really.
So dont ask if im sick or somthing, i might as well be dethly ill.
and i havnt even talked to/heard from my dad yet...oh god its gunna be horable.
im going to have a mental break down by the end of the week im sure....so dont ask what happend...just leave me the fuck alone ok.
i dont want to hear "oh im sorry tay"
if you dont have anything real to say just dont ok.
i wish it where about to be my 18th fucking birthday, not my 17th....this isnt my family...this isnt my home...i just want to go home and be with my family.... |
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| lexy calls me silent flower |
[Oct. 9th, 2006|01:45 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
in the last two weeks
more has changed then i thought ever might, in two weeks.
things i cant even put here, for some reason...or maybe i should...
so i sit here with a bowl of peach that i dont even like.
_______________
some times he just ruff houses to much, and it scares me..but how do i bring that up? it will just end up looking like i dont trust him, but i do..i trust him more then anyone it seems right now. but some tiems i dont think he knows his own strangth; no its not that, he doesnt relise how fragile i can be...thats makse much more sence.
and dont tak ethat the wrong way...its not like hes fucking abusive or somthing, no wear close...it just scares me to be over powered because of the past.
i dont like to be in controle..i can be controling, but i dont ike to be in controle..but some one taking controle, and some one over powering you are too difrent feelings...i dont like to compleatly lose "power", its scary because of how my past has been.
_____________
bust basicly
ive put closhure to an old wound or two.
and ive begun to re-open an old one or two
and ive created at least one that is entirely new.
some will be easaly re-stictched and healed without scars.
the new will iether scab and be picked and slowly heal and scar as a never ending reminder, or be stitched healed and leave a small never forgoten but not bad scar.
i dont know what will happen with them...
but everything happens for a reason.
even in tiny ass bathtubs.. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 27th, 2006|10:52 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  loved | ] |
its been years since ive been close to this happy.
not even my dad can bring me down.
could it be that little four letter word?
lets pray for it. |
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| i would like to take this moment |
[Sep. 4th, 2006|08:42 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  angry | ] |
to recognise my fathers stupidety.
he fucking used my camra while i was gone
to take 2 pictures of a "beautiful rainbow"
...with my black and white film...
MY film that he didnt even pay for
that didnt have the film speed set for it right mind you.
and then he gets mad at ME for getting upset because of it..because its HIS camra..well FUCK HIM.
fuck getting boots as soon as i get a job
im buying a fucking camra so i stop having to deal with this fucking BULL SHIT. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 21st, 2006|05:46 pm] |
tell me what you think, these are both first drafts and i need some critiques befor i turn them in please!
.Harmony.
Pined up
wall and body connect
trying to become one
skin and fibers
bones and Plaster
your wrists held up
by my hands, nails.
Hands, unknowing of
rather to act on,
the want to strangle
or the need to caress
droping into a deja vu
of being,
pressed up with the dark
held up in a moment
from wishes on stars
for failer forced to pass.
.Octane.
Light the match
to start unforgiving distruction
karosean blood, isnt worthy
of spilling
Toutch the flame
to skin
few to mental combustion,
keep stuned-still
you cant comprehend a meaning
ignorance shoulnt be blessed
on such war raged hands
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 15th, 2006|11:12 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cold | ] |
I wish you knew
how you make me feel so god damn usless
how you make me want to fucking leave and never come back,
it hurts to want to turn my back on my own father.
but it theres a difrence between a father and dad.
anyone can be a father.
your just my father.
money doesnt matter to me..you can purshes love..you cant show love threw THINGS...you show it threw actions..and yoru actions and yoru words...they let me know ill never be anything more then a burden to you.
...
some times i wish i was a boy...cuz i know thats what he wanted.
i think that maybe had i been aboy, that he would be able to show he cared about me. maybe we wouldnt fight so much...maybe i'de be stronger..
maybe
maybe
what if
...
how would it make you feel, would it strike a so long unused emotion to know you hurt me...hurt me enough to make fucking take it out on myself?
it wouldnt bother you though
you never even ask about the blood stains; as hard as it would be...some times i just wish you would...
maybe then you would relise there REALLY is a problem...this isnt just a problem daughter
im not just a fuck up
im just trying to stay
sain?
as if that could happen
but no matter what i do
the words crack the mask
the look i put on so
you wont see what you can do.
you'll never know how to love
espeshaly me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 9th, 2006|03:08 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | confused | ] |
I got into my myspace finaly...i guess it was some weird new kind of gilch.
luckaly my father wasnt that smart.
aparntly Stacie is leaving him, because she thinks im a horid child, and a bad influance to her children and hates for me to be arond them.
and alot of shit went down; but im standing my ground..im not about to give up my belifes for his stupid GF...if she loves him then she should want to make it fucking work! not blame it all on ME!
but he actualy apologised for how badly he handled things last night this morning befor he left for work and huged me and told me he loves me...and maybe he will relise he has some fucking isues and that they ARENT because of ME....who knows though.
thanks to mike i feel better about alot of things though, he came and got me last night at like 1030 and took me to his GF's so i just would be outa the house for a while
and then we went to the park on the way hom and just talked.
i duno what i would do without that kid |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 5th, 2006|05:15 pm] |
CASEY IS HERE
yayyyy
oh how i have missed my casey!! |
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| Toads Name Is |
[Aug. 3rd, 2006|08:39 pm] |
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Toads Name Is = Pope Bong the First |
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| So pretty much mike rocks my world |
[Aug. 3rd, 2006|12:23 pm] |
So today mike brenen called me at like 940 and im like FUCK YOU and i dont answer, and thisrepeats again afrew times till about 10-130 and tehn i call him back
and he BROUGHT ME A FROGY FROM HIS HOUSE!!!! well its a toad ...but i dont like frogs i like toads!
see i dont need a fucking BF...my friends replace all that shit, cuz there just amazing like that
but in short..mike is awsome, adn brought me a new friend
pluse hes going with me to get casey tomorrow YAY! |
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| I hate Liers |
[Aug. 2nd, 2006|04:13 am] |
oh i think i figured it out
its cuz you never gave a fuck...thats right..im glad that we are on the same page.
have fun with that, cuz i really dont..well..give a fuck anymore |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 30th, 2006|08:57 pm] |
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and i begin to wonder if he even knows HOW to take me, or this seriously.... |
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| last night |
[Jul. 30th, 2006|02:11 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | confused | ] |
as i put it when talking to Tiffany:
"dude, its raining, and i walked out side to see if it was, and it was just drizzling,and so i put my hands up, and i started to think of how cool it would be if it just started to rain harder and harder and harder right when i did that, and right as i thought that it did....it was so fucking amazing!!! "
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 27th, 2006|09:26 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  curious | ] |
I wrote
spetember 15th of last year.
i am still in agreement with most of it...i know this year is going to be hard..but its gunna be amazin, so many people ive been hanging out with have been like "im sorry your still stuck in highschool i know it sux" but i dont see it that way. if i had really wanted to get out, i would have fought and droped out this summer; but i didnt, because droping out wasnt that vital to me anymore.
no i no long her know where my journy is going, i dont feel like i know where i beling...but i know what i want to do...what im doing after highschool and what not and thats MORE then enough for me.
i bitch alot
but ive got enough figured out for the moment.
yaeh maybe i lost the love i was talking about being where i belonged so long ago....but oh well, there will be another one, a better one, and one that wont hurt me like he did.
and this year
im gunna come out with even MORE knolage about life, and i cant wait...i truly honistly cant WAIT for it. |
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| yay for relisation! |
[Jul. 26th, 2006|08:57 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  giddy | ] |
i just relised how close school is
and the fact im going to be a fucking junior..its finaly over half over! ( i would have imagined this moment would be a bit scary for myself, but im extatic)
and im actualy going to be starting the year with most of my shit together..
im gunna have my licends...no more missing school because of no ride, or not brining my bass because i ran out to catch my ride and forgot it.
im hopfuly going to have a job within the first few weeks of school...hopfuly i will go aply at some used bookstores and as-you -wish and like places soon i just gotta figure out whats the best for inbetween my mom and dads houses >.<
but yeah...i actualy know what i wanna do after highschool, and actualy know about when ill realisticly be moving out...wich is in like 3-5 years..but by the time im 21 i should be compleatly out..depending on what kind of job i can get while at beauty school, and how quickly i can find a relyable room-mate to get an apartment with when i graduate...
though my phone is MIA cuz i lost the charger i should be getting a new one soon or my sister should be swiching serveses and i will get her charger wee!
I finaly found a relyable guy, no man, who i know is going to actualy put effort into the relationship...he is one of the most amazing people ive ever met..and no hes not perfect...but i can tell already he actualy cares...and thats what actualy matters....who knows what it will develop to...but its somthing great already so ide say thats a good sighn...it may have only been like 2 weeks or so...but i can tell its a good thing going.
my parents ALMOST have all the shit after the devorse faught out...and so im actualy not going to have to deal with so much of that this year.
ive found out this summer who my REAL friends on..who i can count on to be there..and who i can count on to turn there back.
ive also decided im not going to try and fix every one else anymore...its not MY job to try and make people be happy all the time..i need to actualy take care of myself for a while.
i think ive got most of my life actualy figured out. im really exited to start school and not be in shables already for once!
and yeah this year's gunna be super weird without Casey...but ill make it work even though its gunna be hard. Ive still got Ryan and Kathrin and all the people who ive met the last two years and it wont be SO bad i hope...
it looks like the structural part of my life is actualy gettig put together...its pretty exiting, i cant wait.
PLUSE MY HAIR IS BACK!!! yay! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 23rd, 2006|07:41 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  content | ] |
i just bought History For Sale from Blue October...its an AMAZING album..i recomend it to EVERY ONE..
espeshaly the song Amazing...because its breth takeing |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 9th, 2006|10:41 pm] |
*favoret song at the given time*
Guns N Roses - Don't Cry Lyrics
Talk to me softly
There's something in your eyes
Don't hang your head in sorrow
And please dont cry
I know how you feel inside I've
I've been there before
Somethin's changin' inside you
And don't you know
Don't you cry tonight
I still love you baby
Don't you cry tonight
Don't you cry tonight
There's a heaven above you baby
And don't you cry tonight
Give me a whisper
And give me a sigh
Give me a kiss before you
tell me goodbye
Don't you take it so hard now
And please don't take it so bad
I'll still be thinkin' of you
And the times we had...baby
And don't you cry tonight
Don't you cry tonight
Don't you cry tonight
There's a heaven above you baby
And don't you cry tonight
And please remember that I never lied
And please remember
how I felt inside now honey
You gotta make it your own way
But you'll be alright now sugar
You'll feel better tomorrow
Come the morning light now baby
And don't you cry tonight
An don't you cry tonight
An don't you cry tonight
There's a heaven above you baby
And don't you cry
Don't you ever cry
Don't you cry tonight
Baby maybe someday
Don't you cry
Don't you ever cry
Don't you cry
Tonight
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